I would prefer not to hear the life history of my breakfast. -Tuvok
I must say, there's nothing like a vacuum of space for preserving a handsome corpse. -EMH Doc, Voyager
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. - Sparky Anderson
There are no more whales in Montana. -Guy at IHOP
I can eat anything. I'm a viking. -KJ
Get the cheese to sickbay. -Torres, Voyager
An element of disturbia just walked in to my room. -Stasya
It's hard to put a helmet on a flower. -Katie
Don't correct the king's grammar! -Veggie Tales
Pussy bang hoo ha. -Angela
Rectum faced pygmy. -Red Dwarf
How much sex IS there? -Sheena
Orange Julies are better. -Katie
(Feb. 12, 2009)
Drinking makes me vegetarian. -KJ
There better be a flower after all this work. -KJ
Martha Stewart makes alcoholic melonballs all the time. -KJ
The chosen one has fallen and she's gonna get her tail squished. -Katie
God gives good times and bad times, but he does not wish us to bemoan and bewail the bad times, but to prove ourselves men. -Perfume
The persuasive power of an odor cannot be fended off, it enters into us like breathe into our lungs, it fills us up, imbues us totally. There is no remedy for it. -Perfume (p.82)
More from Feb. 13, 2009 (Katie's 21st party)
They're small, they all like cheese, its perfect. -Eric
At least with my hate you get diamonds. -Jarrod
Hold the crown and toss it down. -Katie
If you're hurting on the outside, you're a burn victim. -Adam
Creepy Chums -KJ and Jarrod movie
The list:
Surfer on Acid shot
Caramel Appletini
Partial Cosmo
Girl Scout Cookie shot
Amaretto Sour
Partial Sex on the Beach
Butterscotch schnapps shot
It's terrifying being in Andersonville. -Adam
Cows are sexy. -Ian
Your brother has a thing for cows. -Katie
My brain just did a double take. -Adam
Is it soaking up in your butt? -Katie
Church people are just as gay as regular people. -Adam
*End of Hays birthday trip*
What about your situation is such that the inability to arrange meaningful utterances has you distraught? -Dwayne
I think there was an extended dialogue regarding the woman from whose womb you were spawned in which your weirdness was verified by all. -Dwayne
I love it when I get in to a stud. -Jay
I loves me some redneck vinagrette. -Doug
When you are sick, take care to watch your ands. -Ed
It's hard to pantomime whipped cream when the menu is in the way. -Ed
I'm not a pusher, I'm Charity Joy! -Charity Joy
Don't "dude" me. -Lucretia R.
I wanna tell you somethin'. About the breasts. -Mama Russo
I'm dense and optimistic. -Mom
Did you just say butt-crack? -Mom
I'm a hoooo.... -Grandma
There was a cheese plate!? -Angela
Thank you for correcting my quacking usage. -Sheena
I'm' talking about you, not to you. -Bobby W.
If I wasn't so full I'd take you for a Mexican ice pop. -Lucretia R.
I feel uncomfortable when my computer physically struggles with me. Sure, I can overpower it now, but it feels like a few short steps from here to the robot wars. -XKCD #251
My family is discussing the finer points of pot growing. -Katie
Aww. Aren't you cute. My wife the whore. -Weasel
Hey, I won't hop into just any fat guy's sack... -Brent
You must be drunk if "want" has 4 As. -Weasel
PS. Hitler is not cool. -KJ
You are a disturbed little bastard. -Jay
That is one of the greatest joys in my life. -Mom
Pacino Dove -Ed
Of course, when I say the Prime Minister, I don't mean the real Prime Minister. I just mean that guy out of Buffy. -Little Britain
See. You should jingle the shiek. -Angela
A bashful man will make a sorry beggar. -The Odyssey
Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at? -Lisa Simpson
Well, hookers and Spider-Man. -Homer
Katie's made-up team names:
San Francisco Shields
Pirates of Penzance
Arizona Axis
Green Berets
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. -Dove wrapper
Just because I'm showing somebody being disembowled doesn't mean I have to get heavy and put a message around it. -George Romero
I always thought of the zombies as being about revolution, one generation consuming the rest. -George Romero
Then wench is stark mad or wonderful forward. -Tranio, Taming of the Shrew
There is a lot of stuff I don't know about cheese. -KJ
Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability. -Sam Keen
A ferret with a taser is a poor substitute for the honor system. -Urban Jungle
Your burp looks like my drink. -Angela
I'm a lesbian. I get crazy with my fingers. -Theresa C.
I don't have to be useful, I just have to be present. -KJ
You better stop it or I'll take you to target. -Lucretia R.
If only she were ugly, then everyone would just ignore her like they should. -Lindsay/Weasel
I'm surprised I haven't swallowed this blue slinky on my desk. -Sherown
I'm big on howdy in person. -Dr. Goodlett
Don't laugh at my kohlrabi. -Judy
I am a cougar. -Sister Alice
I need a poop cape. -Mom
My ass smells like fajitas. -Brent
This is the kind of service I'd expect in Australia. -Brent
Thought factory. -Brent
What are you doing? -Dina
Pinching my nipple. - Tanner
Lex Luthor should be Italian.
Superman should be Australian.
You think I'm not fluffy? -Grandma
...but the booze, it whispers to me and corrupts my thoughts. -Sherown
The bee can hear you. -Jalissa
That's not a space. That's a wedge. -Ed
Nothing's better than noodles! -Kristina S.
Well there is just some things you learn as you get older, shooting Nerds out of a straw at random people is one of them. -Sherown
I once had an awkward moment just to see what it feels like. -Sherown
Rick Astley anyone? Oh god it's like I'm at the dentist. -Angela
Have you ever been so drunk that nothing tastes like chicken, even chicken? -Sherown
You can only change baseball so much before it becomes rugby. -Eric
Can you juggle? -Grandma
Only if I'm not wearing a bra. -Aunt Linda
I have to go get my glasses. I can't see what I'm thinking. -Grandma
I don't know what you mean but I know what you mean. -Angela
I've never had gloves I can hear before. -Ed
Life is a series of dogs. -George Carlin
You know you're gay when even your pancakes are rainbows. -Rob H.
I think I was just mistaken for a paralegal. -Katie
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse. -P.64 of something
There is a fly the size of a small plane in my office right now, the noise of his engines is bothering me. -Mom
Don't snap my undies. -Chief Wiggam
Chickens are drunk enough when they're sober, don't you think? -Ed
Dude, a gas mask can't protect you from a bomb. -Kid at garage sale
Every time you turn a churchkey a hermaphrodite gets its wings. -Jen R.
I'm aware of your bizarre package. -KJ
I don't think ho was one of his miracles. -Ian (re: Jesus)
I appreciate your loyalty ho, and your rhyming abilities. -Sheena
To love a man more than one's self was a socially acceptable way for a woman to be insane. -Mother Tongue, p.27
A lover's a liar,
to himself he lies.
The truthful are loveless,
like oysters their eyes!
-Cat's Cradle, p. 233
If I could have been singing with the Dave Clark Five on the Ed Sullivan Show instead of getting slapped by frustrated lesbians dressed up in religious gear when I was ten, I would have done it in a heartbeat. -Denis Leary, Why We Suck
Asshole after asshole after asshole gets ahold of the microphone and the media's attention in this country and promptly informs the world that we are not a nation of readers. -Denis Leary, Why We Suck
I have no idea what you just said but it didn't sound very nice. -Tucker, Enterprise
Is that garlic in my pocket? -KJ
Peanutbutter and pillows, I know what I'm talking about. -KJ
It's a laptop, not a kitchen top or a piece of shit top. -KJ
I don't think gorillas like meatloaf. -Eddie O.
The worst that can happen is that your heart can stop. -Mom
Without my glasses I can rean in Arabic. -Mom
My butt's jingling your bells. -Grandma
Your family is not good for my stuff. -Somebody
We didn't have tacos! -Olivia
What's with women and boots in this town? -Deb H.
Any games you play with your thumbs, I can not help you with. -Dad
Multiple exclamation points does the exact opposite of motivate me to do something for you. -Travis
Honolulu does not appreciate a smartass. -Travis
Just because my love is conditional doesn't make it any less genuine. -Urban Jungle #692
Kwanzaa is a totally made up holiday...like Festivus. -Amy P.
Great my eye has Tourettes. -Janeth
Your face is as a book, where men may read strange matters. -Macbeth
"Our Super-Vita-Replenishing Goo is the best! I'm sitting in some right now and my tushie feels extra soft and bouncy!" -Deb H.
I can't stop laughing about the heroin. -Angela
I hate noisy stars. -Ed