Quickie Update

You're so much more pleasant when you lack the ability to snap my neck with your thoughts. -Ba'al

You are a social chameleon. -Sheena

British guys always capture my butterflys. -Chris Griffin

I was thinking the other day that if I was a midget, I'd love a netbook. -Dwayne

Oh how posh. Check out my rotten grapes. -KJ

True belief can not be legislated. -Tealc

I'll wait until you stop the car to start smelling your back again. -Deb H.

The flames of ignorance burn without pain. -Ori Prior

House: Do you know why you're black?
Patient: Because God loves me more than you?

My current state of reality has taught me that I know nothing. -KJ

A roadrunner with an accent is just a sheep. -KJ (2am)

Don't tell me ASAP if you don't mean today. -Angela

I know, sometimes I even inspire myself. -Bobby W.

Now I have to go to work where no one is funny or knows how to spell. -KJ

Honolulu does not appreciate a smartass. -Travis

Come here so I can share my opinion with you. -Sherown

There's something very wrong about putting a bear in a microwave. -Judy

You people drink like you don't want to live! -Roy, IT Crowd

God damn these electric sex pants. -Douglas, IT Crowd

Trust the bean. -Karam

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. -Gibran

Exactly. I need gnomes. -Deb

I can't drive upside down. -Ed

Playing catch-up

I would prefer not to hear the life history of my breakfast. -Tuvok

I must say, there's nothing like a vacuum of space for preserving a handsome corpse. -EMH Doc, Voyager

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. - Sparky Anderson

There are no more whales in Montana. -Guy at IHOP

I can eat anything. I'm a viking. -KJ

Get the cheese to sickbay. -Torres, Voyager

An element of disturbia just walked in to my room. -Stasya

It's hard to put a helmet on a flower. -Katie

Don't correct the king's grammar! -Veggie Tales

Pussy bang hoo ha. -Angela

Rectum faced pygmy. -Red Dwarf

How much sex IS there? -Sheena

Orange Julies are better. -Katie
(Feb. 12, 2009)

Drinking makes me vegetarian. -KJ

There better be a flower after all this work. -KJ

Martha Stewart makes alcoholic melonballs all the time. -KJ

The chosen one has fallen and she's gonna get her tail squished. -Katie

God gives good times and bad times, but he does not wish us to bemoan and bewail the bad times, but to prove ourselves men. -Perfume

The persuasive power of an odor cannot be fended off, it enters into us like breathe into our lungs, it fills us up, imbues us totally. There is no remedy for it. -Perfume (p.82)

More from Feb. 13, 2009 (Katie's 21st party)
They're small, they all like cheese, its perfect. -Eric

At least with my hate you get diamonds. -Jarrod

Hold the crown and toss it down. -Katie

If you're hurting on the outside, you're a burn victim. -Adam

Creepy Chums -KJ and Jarrod movie

The list:
Surfer on Acid shot
Caramel Appletini
Partial Cosmo
Girl Scout Cookie shot
Amaretto Sour
Partial Sex on the Beach
Butterscotch schnapps shot

It's terrifying being in Andersonville. -Adam

Cows are sexy. -Ian
Your brother has a thing for cows. -Katie

My brain just did a double take. -Adam

Is it soaking up in your butt? -Katie

Church people are just as gay as regular people. -Adam
*End of Hays birthday trip*

What about your situation is such that the inability to arrange meaningful utterances has you distraught? -Dwayne

I think there was an extended dialogue regarding the woman from whose womb you were spawned in which your weirdness was verified by all. -Dwayne

I love it when I get in to a stud. -Jay

I loves me some redneck vinagrette. -Doug

When you are sick, take care to watch your ands. -Ed

It's hard to pantomime whipped cream when the menu is in the way. -Ed

I'm not a pusher, I'm Charity Joy! -Charity Joy

Don't "dude" me. -Lucretia R.

I wanna tell you somethin'. About the breasts. -Mama Russo

I'm dense and optimistic. -Mom

Did you just say butt-crack? -Mom

I'm a hoooo.... -Grandma

There was a cheese plate!? -Angela

Thank you for correcting my quacking usage. -Sheena

I'm' talking about you, not to you. -Bobby W.

If I wasn't so full I'd take you for a Mexican ice pop. -Lucretia R.

I feel uncomfortable when my computer physically struggles with me. Sure, I can overpower it now, but it feels like a few short steps from here to the robot wars. -XKCD #251

My family is discussing the finer points of pot growing. -Katie

Aww. Aren't you cute. My wife the whore. -Weasel

Hey, I won't hop into just any fat guy's sack... -Brent

You must be drunk if "want" has 4 As. -Weasel

PS. Hitler is not cool. -KJ

You are a disturbed little bastard. -Jay
That is one of the greatest joys in my life. -Mom

Pacino Dove -Ed

Of course, when I say the Prime Minister, I don't mean the real Prime Minister. I just mean that guy out of Buffy. -Little Britain

See. You should jingle the shiek. -Angela

A bashful man will make a sorry beggar. -The Odyssey

Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at? -Lisa Simpson
Well, hookers and Spider-Man. -Homer

Katie's made-up team names:
San Francisco Shields
Pirates of Penzance
Arizona Axis
Green Berets

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. -Dove wrapper

Just because I'm showing somebody being disembowled doesn't mean I have to get heavy and put a message around it. -George Romero

I always thought of the zombies as being about revolution, one generation consuming the rest. -George Romero

Then wench is stark mad or wonderful forward. -Tranio, Taming of the Shrew

There is a lot of stuff I don't know about cheese. -KJ

Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability. -Sam Keen

A ferret with a taser is a poor substitute for the honor system. -Urban Jungle

Your burp looks like my drink. -Angela

I'm a lesbian. I get crazy with my fingers. -Theresa C.

I don't have to be useful, I just have to be present. -KJ

You better stop it or I'll take you to target. -Lucretia R.

If only she were ugly, then everyone would just ignore her like they should. -Lindsay/Weasel

I'm surprised I haven't swallowed this blue slinky on my desk. -Sherown

I'm big on howdy in person. -Dr. Goodlett

Don't laugh at my kohlrabi. -Judy

I am a cougar. -Sister Alice

I need a poop cape. -Mom

My ass smells like fajitas. -Brent

This is the kind of service I'd expect in Australia. -Brent

Thought factory. -Brent

What are you doing? -Dina
Pinching my nipple. - Tanner

Lex Luthor should be Italian.
Superman should be Australian.

You think I'm not fluffy? -Grandma

...but the booze, it whispers to me and corrupts my thoughts. -Sherown

The bee can hear you. -Jalissa

That's not a space. That's a wedge. -Ed

Nothing's better than noodles! -Kristina S.

Well there is just some things you learn as you get older, shooting Nerds out of a straw at random people is one of them. -Sherown

I once had an awkward moment just to see what it feels like. -Sherown

Rick Astley anyone? Oh god it's like I'm at the dentist. -Angela

Have you ever been so drunk that nothing tastes like chicken, even chicken? -Sherown

You can only change baseball so much before it becomes rugby. -Eric

Can you juggle? -Grandma
Only if I'm not wearing a bra. -Aunt Linda

I have to go get my glasses. I can't see what I'm thinking. -Grandma

I don't know what you mean but I know what you mean. -Angela

I've never had gloves I can hear before. -Ed

Life is a series of dogs. -George Carlin

You know you're gay when even your pancakes are rainbows. -Rob H.

I think I was just mistaken for a paralegal. -Katie

A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse. -P.64 of something

There is a fly the size of a small plane in my office right now, the noise of his engines is bothering me. -Mom

Don't snap my undies. -Chief Wiggam

Chickens are drunk enough when they're sober, don't you think? -Ed

Dude, a gas mask can't protect you from a bomb. -Kid at garage sale

Every time you turn a churchkey a hermaphrodite gets its wings. -Jen R.

I'm aware of your bizarre package. -KJ

I don't think ho was one of his miracles. -Ian (re: Jesus)

I appreciate your loyalty ho, and your rhyming abilities. -Sheena

To love a man more than one's self was a socially acceptable way for a woman to be insane. -Mother Tongue, p.27

A lover's a liar,
to himself he lies.
The truthful are loveless,
like oysters their eyes!
-Cat's Cradle, p. 233

If I could have been singing with the Dave Clark Five on the Ed Sullivan Show instead of getting slapped by frustrated lesbians dressed up in religious gear when I was ten, I would have done it in a heartbeat. -Denis Leary, Why We Suck

Asshole after asshole after asshole gets ahold of the microphone and the media's attention in this country and promptly informs the world that we are not a nation of readers. -Denis Leary, Why We Suck

I have no idea what you just said but it didn't sound very nice. -Tucker, Enterprise

Is that garlic in my pocket? -KJ

Peanutbutter and pillows, I know what I'm talking about. -KJ

It's a laptop, not a kitchen top or a piece of shit top. -KJ

I don't think gorillas like meatloaf. -Eddie O.

The worst that can happen is that your heart can stop. -Mom

Without my glasses I can rean in Arabic. -Mom

My butt's jingling your bells. -Grandma

Your family is not good for my stuff. -Somebody

We didn't have tacos! -Olivia

What's with women and boots in this town? -Deb H.

Any games you play with your thumbs, I can not help you with. -Dad

Multiple exclamation points does the exact opposite of motivate me to do something for you. -Travis

Honolulu does not appreciate a smartass. -Travis

Just because my love is conditional doesn't make it any less genuine. -Urban Jungle #692

Kwanzaa is a totally made up holiday...like Festivus. -Amy P.

Great my eye has Tourettes. -Janeth

Your face is as a book, where men may read strange matters. -Macbeth

"Our Super-Vita-Replenishing Goo is the best! I'm sitting in some right now and my tushie feels extra soft and bouncy!" -Deb H.

I can't stop laughing about the heroin. -Angela

I hate noisy stars. -Ed

Gotta do these when I have the chance....

Why is half of your webpage in Spanish? – Judy

Can we sniff your bales? – Judy

I don’t want kids, I want vegetables. – Katie

The lords of lettuce!* (*Attributed to Katie because that’s what I heard-Judy) Actually was Alliance Atlantis.

There’s nothing better than gas station girls. – Jeff Biley

We can eat nails and eat paint. – Deb H.

We’re in no danger here. (Fridays) – Deb H.

I would say something clever but I don’t know this song. – Ed

I think my pen is cold. – KJ
(If you write that down, make sure you space is correctly. – Ed)

You foundate people. – Ed

Movie: Birthday Bloody Birthday
- creepy little girl singing Happy Birthday
- Fancy cake covered in blood
- Blow torch, house on fire, creepy kid says “Make a wish!”

Movie: Kansas Chainsaw Bunny Massacre

Of all the roads that lead to Canada, very few are straight. – The Advocate ad

It’s hard to do lightsaber with pretzels. – Ed

Oh my god! They killed Caffrey’s! – Jen R.

Jen just screamed nipple! – KJ

Stockholm isn’t really a country. – Jen R.

I hate loaded meatballs. – Brent

There’s no Volvo in my garage. – Ed
Should there be? – JC

I keep forgetting to pee. – Bob Cone

You gotta drop and suck. – Jen

Your cooking makes me question my faith. – Get Fuzzy

I’d be dead right now if this were an emergency. – Ed

I’m thinking there’s a Dairy Queen behind the Walgreens. – Ed

When I eat less meat I need more peanutbutter. – JC

Don’t be that guy (unless, of course, you are that guy). - Dentyne-ism

If all else fails, hit the ground and start flailing. - Dentyne-ism

I’m as pretty as I’m gonna get. – Dad

I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve got drinkin’ to do. – Night Stalker

You know, I haven’t used my rubberband gun on the cat. – Katie

When it comes to baserunning, he’s a real good pitcher. – Clint Hurdle

I think frosting makes me lie! – Ted, How I Met Your Mother

Never wear new shoes when you’re gonna run out of gas. – Ed

I gotta poke it! It’s got big bubbles! – Judy

The last thing we need is rabbit guts all over the floor. – Katie

I always thought hack was an interesting verb. – Adam Conkey

I miss ebonics. I do. – Dr. Goodlett

Where’s Gary Oldman when you need him? – Dr. Goodlett

Always eat what ails you. – Adam C.

Jesus hates it when Goodlett sings. – Adam C.

There’s an Indian swamp in my car. – Katie
Well it’s better than alligators. – Judy

It makes your teeth feel all squeaky. – Katie (re: Mexican soda)

Snuggles loves crackheads! – Eddie O.

If I had chocolate, I would throw it at you right now. - Dr. Duffy

Gummi worms are longer. – Katie (After being asked if I should get bears or worms.)

I do not understand O’Neill, are we preparing to dance or do battle? – Teal’c

Your midlife crisis is not my emergency. – Katie

I have suction issues. – Katie

Here’s an important tip: stop doing that. – Homer’s life coach

Weird makes the world go ‘round. – Mom

My feet hurt too bad to be smart. – Mom

There’s a fat girl in my jammies. – Mom

Fine! I’m going to the bowling alley! – Jordan

There’s a blind kid feeling up a nun. – Katie

If it’s not the Pagans, it’s the huns. – KJ

Little people don’t get to ascend. – Judy

There’s some Asian chick diein’ on the TV. – Katie

That’s the quietest lightning I’ve ever seen. – Mom

Always get a woman between you and the enemy. – Sharpe

I’ll mop up your blood from the inside! – Groundskeeper Willie

Protest Stupidity/Free your mind.

Unfortunately, the balance of nature decrees that a superabundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares. – Peter Ustinov

The excessive increase of anything often causes a reaction in the opposite direction. ?

PS- I know a nun named Ronald. – Katie

Cuba is where Lucifer lives. – Michael Moore

I’m gonna go get the government to do my laundry. – Michael Moore

Did you know that every day Mexican gays sneak into our country and unplug our brain dead ladies? – Homer

Education’s irrelevant really. – Dr. Phillips

Our curriculum is under attack by the English department. – Dr. Phillips

You can’t trust your spinach. – Dr. Phillips

Stupid lamination. – Mike Tweed

…if I can get out of the fried hohos…. – Mike Tweed

His soul writhed with boredom…
I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane. – 1984

I crave attention in a desperately quiet fashion. – Eddie O.

Stop dancing so I can hit you! – Stan Smith

You talk too much for someone who’s being cooked for. – Dwayne

Movie: Bambi’s Revenge
- Bambi attacks puppy
- Raised by wolves
- Rambo?

Diney, does it hurt when root beer comes out your eyes? – Mom

You know…but you don’t look Chinese. – Sister Alice

Katie-mule

“Hot Bimbo Buns”, for the ordinary Joe.

Excuse me but I’m gonna read your front. – Dr. Goodlett

You are barreling down my backside. – Katie

Your diction conveys anger. – Katie

I’m the reason Democrats want gun control. – Adam C.

Nuclear war is just like a tornado. – Adam C.

Is it hot in here or am I having a hot flash? – Dr. Goodlett

Fringe Dipper (Adam)
Choking Frog. ?

I’ve got good friends and occasional lovers. That’ll do. – Ian Mckellan

Trying is good enough, even in seduction. – Eddie O.

I don’t trust mail that hasn’t been licked, that’s my problem. – Letterman

To force a rainbow angers God! – Stan Smith

I’m perfectly happy to be out of the closet. – Dr. Goodlett

Time to go skank. – Dr. Goodlett

There should always be scantily clad clouds. – Katie ?

Hey a saltlick. Awesome. – Eric

That’s so Virgo. – Alice

The Secret Life of Judy McGyver

Yeah. He just kinda disappeared into ugliness. – Judy

There’s something fundamentally interesting about orangutans. – Dr. Goodlett

I’ve had really bad luck with toilets. – Katie

Now I’m gonna have to go home and reevaluate my relationship with my dog. – Dr. Lexey Bartlett

My feet got wet and everything. – KJ

Catherine Francis—that’s a name that could wring a chicken’s neck. – Goodlett

She’s just so German she has to be right. – Alice

Look it’s Fruit of the Loom! – Judy

My butt itches. Not the crack, just the cheek. – Raul

We’ll probably all be pitchforked by men is smocks. – The Amulet of Samarkand

Man cannot script what sport can create. – Clint Hurdle

We are not eternal. ?

Eric is vi-curious.

Almost anything with pockets is good to eat. – Brent

I’m convincing with my lies. – Dr. Farley

Freakin’ New Guinea! – Dr. Farley

In terms of survival…cupcakes? Not so good. – Lexey Bartlett

There was this noodle I thought would never end. – Tanner

Cool name- Alex/Alan Von Fang

You can’t tune a squishy box, can you? – Jarrod

I’m not judging, I’m just clarifying what I see. – Eric

I have a mighty cough. – Katie

There are no Zorrobuns on this board. – Katie

I got Italian soda in my eye. – Katie

Just because he goes to Notre Dame doesn’t mean he’s not a Pagan. – Katie

I’m a magic disappearing booger. – Katie

I’m good at being my own Messiah. – Katie

I think my tongue might be bleeding but I’m not sure.
Licorice just brings out the blood flavor. – Katie

I’m gonna run out of receipt here if you don’t shut up. – KJ

I never lie when I’ve got sand in my shoes, commodore. – Geordie (TNG)

That’s not a pretty unicorn at all. – Eric

Story- Planet Apnea, CPAP=C3PO, O2, the Force (of air), Dr. Wan. *In progress*

When the winds of change blow, some people build walls, other people build windmills. – Chinese proverb

Apparently the universe is converging. And James Taylor is looping on the radio. – Katie

This town has a dome of suck over it. – Meghan Tucker

I like people who say things. – Goodlett

I’m squeaking even when I don’t mean to. – Goodlett

There’s some bad lemon drops out there. – Judy

I don’t think Wookies use napkins. – KJ

My hat’s in the way and I’m in neutral. – Ed

I might have heard that in a book. – Ed

I am deeply concerned and I want something good for breakfast. – UNIX fortune cookie

When you don’t follow your nature, there is a hole in the universe where you were supposed to be. – Dane Rudhyar

A root beer….this is the end of Ferengi civilization. – Quark

Why is Outlook underlining “doink” in red? Seems like a perfectly good word to me. – Ed

I should stop eating things I find in the condo. – Ed

I do not shake my chichis alone…not anymore. – Mom

Everyone’s helpfulness sucks these days. – Ione

I know a gay truck driver. – Ed

I can’t shift with gloves on. – Ed

I’ve never read a Bond movie. – Phil

Scifi means tights. – Ed
It’s the fabric of the future. – Deb H.

Bones, there’s a thing out there. – Capt. Kirk

Air and the Jonas Brothers, that’s all I need. – Landon (Brent’s cousin?)

Anton the Depriver—waiter at IHOP

I will not hear of the oranges. – Ed

Smellocules – Ed

Werecow – Deb H.

If someone tied me to a tree and set me on fire, I wouldn’t be like, “Hey! I thought we had a deal!” – Dwayne

You can always trust beans. – Mom

Dude, if I had your money I’d burn mine. - Ione

I fixed the header! All is well.

You can improve the humor of almost ay situation by injecting a weasel into it. – Dave Barry

So, gravity was either nonexistent or overly existent. – KJ

You’re confusing me…so you ought to go to bed. – KJ

Don’t get on your high horse if you can’t take the smell. – Ray Romano

A lion vs a guy isn’t a duel. It’s just a lion eating a guy. – KJ

With Mark gone there wouldn’t be anyone around to make booze out of potentially cancer causing berries. – Paul

If I don’t come home covered head to toe in fake blood then I haven’t done my job as a horror director. – Eli Roth

Every time I’m here someone is eating something that freaks me out. – Goodlett

I’m a man of many skills and talents. – Todd L.

Gay porn title: Open Flame

Pierre the Russian

“Relephant” – A relevant elephant.

Some kiddies like the jugs. – Lindsay

If I’m to the point that I’m Russian then yeah, I’m drunk. – Lindsay

I’ll do whatever you say, just get that death weiner away from me! – Announcer on The Simpsons

Hell, I even thought I was dead ‘till I found out that it was just that I was in Nebraska. – Gene Hackman, Unforgiven.

Leave it to you to have a dream featuring a psycho. – Katie

If I manage to kill a big monster or the mob I’ll let you know. – KJ

Cool in a psychotically masterful way. – JC (Regarding my dreams.)

If you think for one moment I don’t have the balls to send a man out to die your instincts are dead wrong. – M, Goldeneye (Judi Dench)

Why can’t you just be a good boy and die? – Sean, Goldeneye

I am my own set of Three Stooges. – Katie

I blame the Jello. – Katie

The chair is eating me and it’s just gonna get ugly. – Katie

My face is unhappy. – Mom

Men are never a mysterious as women wish they were. – Grissolm, CSI

Lesbian porn title: Butch Wax (also a hair product)

It’s time for me to bend over and receive my destiny. – Bart S.

I shouldn’t even be driving. I’m surprised I made it here without hitting any children or Mexicans. – Sheena

I haven’t been schnockered on Cream Soda in so long. – Katie

How do you get Canadian money is the middle of Kansas? – Katie

Bond…..Green Bond. (In progress.)

Heil hotdog. – Katie

Welcome to the French Whore House! – Judy

This is all sweet or I’d throw it at you! – Katie

There are some days where a mandolin just sounds right. – Katie

I may be small but I have three stomachs. – Katie

My suitcase is full of yarn. – Katie

I don’t know what it was…. You said something and I snorted and regurgitated brownie… - Katie

The brownie is just really funny right now. – Katie

I just got corned. – KJ

There has to be at least one accordion or it’s just not a good party. – Katie @ 4:20 AM.

There you go. Cyber molestation. Better than nothing. – Eddie O.

Why are you taking tea to England? - Mark

Please do tell or remind me about any typos that are unintentional. I haven't gone over these much since I typed them ages ago and I'd hate to make myself look silly......

Some of the classics....ok LOTS of the classics. There's older ones but I haven't found them yet.

My dogs confuse squirrels with terrorists. – Dude on the radio

Glitter looks good on a man. – Chris P.

You know when you’ve drunk? – Some drunk guy to Eric/Zippy

That’s half-assed, it’s not even full-assed. –Eric

Did you have fun at Wal-Mart or did you get loose?....Lost! – Grandma Jessie

Don’t make me laugh when I’m over garlic. – Amy

Dogs and boys, they’re both idiots. – Mom

I get violent when I’m British. – Lindsay

Taffy said ‘cock’! – Lindsay
Yes she did! – Amy & KJ simultaneously

If you love me as I think you do, let’s kiss and part. – Titus (Anthony Hopkins)

If I want fungus, I’ll lick my own toes. – Eathon

I’d rather have juice than eggs in my pants. – KJ

May your troubles be less, and your blessings be more, and nothing but happiness come through your door. – Irish Blessing

Sometimes being a maniac has its advantages. – Mom (While driving over the mountain.)

Ok, laughing is better than being scared. – Mom (Also while driving over the mountain.)

They’re not elves, they’re alcoholic bastards. – Dr. Will

I’m a nice guy! – Lindsay (It helps if you know the “Lindsay” tone.)

My mouth is always full! Always! – Amy (Gutch’s)

I haven’t had any booze in a while and it’s going to my eyeballs. – KJ (Gutch’s)

I swear to god I’m gonna cry. – Dr. Will

Physics is just common sense obscured by mathematics. – Gavin

It’s not lookin’ good, I got the hour glass of death right now. – Gavin

You can’t form your own country. – Amy Cummins

I say that as the sadder, wiser, non-girl that I am. – Dr. Goodlett

I have a cousin who’s a sister. – Eric (Not true.)

It’s one of those non-Russian, Russian places. – Eric

He’s wearing a raincoat, he must be British. – Eric

Listening to him talk about the Russians like that, it’s almost like foreplay. – Amy (Not referring to any of the above quotes.)

I have verbal charm. – KJ

You don’t have to be patient when you’re as big as I am. – Garfield

Why is it that as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? – Ernest Gaines

I can be the Romans! – Amy

I could do this in a gay bar. – Amy

I feel bad…I’m not thoughtful. – Amy

A moment is a symbol, not the end of something. – Amy Cummins

Thank you, Big Bang. – Amy Cummins

Not to spoil it for you but she kills herself in the end. – Amy Cummins

We’re not just regular old mammals. – Amy Cummins

The heating and cooling police will come and get me in a minute. – Gavin

Don’t worry about it dude, I got my torch. – Gavin

Go yell at a piano some time. – Gavin

My cat makes some very bad choices. – Dr. Will

Yeah, from the knee down, I’m hot. – Dr. Will

Eugenics: It’s all about making nicer people. – Dr. Will

I sponge up the Discovery Channel. – Dr. Will

Even prisoners have friends. – Dude in IDS

It’s time to win the love of these hateful morons. – C. Montgomery Burns

I like leather. I rather fancy myself a black panther. – Freddie Mercury

Always a cowboy, never a bride. – Eric? (History Club, not sure who said it first.)

I feel like writing a poem about snowmobiles jumping like bunnies. – Eric (Von Zippy)

The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings. – The Awakening

By the stubbing of my thumbs, something stupid this way comes. – MST3000

It has been a very unstable week for me—I found myself sobbing during an episode of Alf on Monday. – American Psycho (book)

Stoned Vikings would like soft things, surely. – KJ

Marching guys are hot. – Amy

Have you ever smelled a hockey glove? – Jarrod

More Neil, more better. – Eric/Zippy (Neil Diamond, that is.)

I can slither with the best of them. – Dr. Goodlett

Don’t fuck with the opium hut. – Kim

You know it’s Monday when you find sharks circling in your water bowl. – Garfield

You know it’s Monday when you discover a landmine in your breakfast. – Garfield

People are stupid whether it rains or not. – Mom

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. – Deteriorata

Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking to myself. - ?

The Goddess is alive and she ate my homework. - ?

Please don’t squeeze the shaman. - ?

Dial down the Amy. – Webpage thingy

Listen to Queen, drink some rum and life will be better. – Amy

Kathay comes to those who wait. – Webpage thingy

Things rarely move uphill spontaneously. – Gavin

It’s great fun until you puke. – Gavin

I thought it was because of the Russians. – Andrew?

Is your name possibly Swahili for Jackass? – Sean, on Jarrod’s Facebook message board

It’s not about the bike, it about the spandex. – Gavin

I can’t talk to him, his teeth are in my foot! – KJ

I spit on this book. -Amy. C

What is so funny? – Tanner (to Jordan)

I forgot to tell you…because I have the attention span of a Frisbee. – Dude on radio

Rum is good, rum is grand, rum is there to lend a hand.
When you’re heading out at night, order one for great delight.
There are no hot men in view, never fear, for now it’s just you two.
When your insides start to warm, that just means it’s time for more.
- Kim and KJ @ Gella’s

My car doesn’t give a crap about me. – KJ

He’s a left-handed batter, surely he’s a bastard. – Kim

I’m all onioney and I don’t like it, but that doesn’t rhyme. – KJ

I’m turning into an f-ing kite. – Amy

That’s not hunting, that’s just violence! – Dr. Will

Hi, I’m the internet. – Dr. Will

5 out of 4 Americans have trouble with fractions. – Gavin

That son-of-a-bitch told me it was going to be motorcycle weather. – Gavin

I don’t know, I’m not a forecaster. – Gavin (Funnier to those that know about “I don’t know, I’m not a doctor”.)

How sad to be so screwed up. – Ben S.

Anyone who can compare maggots and pearls has something smart. – Amy C.

It tastes like beer. – Tanner (age 6/7)

Who’s more foolish, the fool or the fool that follows him? – Obi-Won Kenobi

I’m naked enough. – KJ

They’re stealing my life while I’m looking at the temperature. – Gavin

He’s darling, even with the insanity. – Kim

I’m not dieing inside anymore, that’s good. – Dr. Will

That’s about as depressing as Canadian history. – Kim P.

It should be beeping in an irritating way right now. – Amy C.

I can’t figure out if you hate me or if you’re the only person who ever really got me... – Something’s Gotta Give

The word “dumb” wouldn’t exist if some people didn’t fall into that category. – Hogwood

This is the dark side of Frost. – Amy C.

All my mistresses were that way. – Dr. Singleton

You men do get in such as state about the midlands, you know. – Judi Dench (Mrs. Henderson Presents)

I’m only one highly gifted person. – CSI dude

I always thought the Irish were the Scots that couldn’t swim. – Craig Ferguson

I don’t talk to myself. I talk to other people. If they don’t show up to listen, that’s not my fault. - ?

Will you hold my salmon? – Amy

My feet are in the air, where’s the floor!? – Amy (At the pool.)

I never really understood hay. – Amy

I’m a grumpy German, I’m not playing. – World Cup TV dude

I’m making out with this bag because it has the cheese. – Lindsay

Deliberate deceit will not be tolerated—although personally I may find your lies charming. – Alan Rickman (Closet Land)

One needs not to scream. – Eric

I know a werewolf I’d do. – Lindsay (Me too.)

Amy got dibs on the cunt cake. – Lindsay

Everyone deserves a biscuit. – Eric

I can’t get this cock-sucker open. – Lindsay
Did you whack it? – Amy

I was British when I woke up from my nap. – Lindsay

There’s nothing more pathetic than a teddy bear with no depth perception. – Garfield

Practical jokes are wasted on the stupid. – Garfield

I don’t really want to put pants on today. – KJ

Weird has been abundant lately, but I’m good. – KJ

I find your lack of faith disturbing. – Darth Vader

It’s not often limo people wave at me. – Grandpa Tom

If I wasn’t a transvestite terrorist, would you marry me? – Breakfast on Pluto

I am pregnant with booze. – Amy

I don’t know where I put my pants. – Amy

Don’t threaten me with a dead fish! – Withnail and I

It would be wonderful if the camera hovered over Magneto’s bed, to discover him making love to Professor X… (…who them morphed into Mystique.) - Ian McKellan

I had my acceptance speech in my pocket, saying how proud I was to be the first openly gay man to win an Oscar. But no, that was the year that Hollywood discovered that there were black people in movies. And I was thinking it was going to be the year of the gays. – Ian McKellan

Nothing says “family” like prison love. – Chris P.

So, tell me about your pie. – Ben S.

Just because you’re a loser doesn’t mean you have to be sarcastic. – Anita (to my father)

The filth helps a lot. – Chris P.

If he had a shirt on, his penis would disappear. – Lindsay

Quit your salivation. – Eric

Should you care to cross over to my side of the table, I would happily give you my opinion. – Eric

Sherbet is better than tacos! – Tanner

Cool! I got monkey toes! – Tanner

You might be a redneck if you have to get your socks out of a bush with a rake. – KJ

If it’s useless there’s a pretty good chance I know it. – Chris P.

We’re not people, we’re family. – KJ

There’s a corn in my eye! – KJ

Do you have a pen I can borrow? I need to poke you in the eye. - ?

Keep being a nerd until you are absolutely sure. – JC

This always happens when I eat sherbet. – Ed

Hard hats don’t just look sexy, they make you feel sexy. – Mary

God is like a cosmic muffin. – Dr. Singleton

I wear man-dresses. – Josh

I had these snazzy pants that I made, on. – Jarrod

All my neighbors have seen me in my underwear, right… - Mary

I drank nothing out of anyone’s pants for my birthday. – KJ

Obviously I’m a cursed pirate. – KJ

Lindsay’s gonna hit Josh. – Lindsay

What were we laughing about? – KJ
My hand was in your pants. – Lindsay

You were laughing in a silent kind of way, and I heard it. – Lindsay

What’s snazzier than cacti? – Lindsay

Took a drink, then in my head thought “Hmm, tastes like Bandaids.” – KJ

There is a sparseness of Ts in pork. – Lindsay

Oh, the Baptists are overflowing. – Judy

You weren’t going for sly, you were going for fry. – Mary

New word: Masculover. – KJ

New nickname: Princess Thunder Piss – Group effort

The learner shall inherit while the learned will be beautifully equipped for a world that no longer exists. - ?

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. – Euripides

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. – Picasso

To sentence a person of true genius to the drudgery of a school is to put a racehorse on a treadmill. – Charles Caleb Colton

Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. - ?

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – JFK

Intolerance is itself a form of violence and an obstacle to the growth of a true democratic spirit. – Ghandi

Many people cannot bear to think that they are cousins of tapeworms, spiders, and bacteria. The unpalpability of a proposition however, has no bearing on it’s truth. – Richard Dawkins (From Natural History)

I feel a little tipsy…must have been the wine. – Lindsay

I have to take my pants off, they are too snug for this kind of weather. – Lindsay

If you are going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh otherwise they’ll kill you. – George Bernard Shaw

I bought a new knife. It’s so pretty I almost don’t want to shove it into an intruder’s gut, but I will. – Mary

I’m not usually drunk.
But Julia, you’re a doctor, you kill people every day.
Security and insanity are not the same thing.
– Ewan Macgregor (Shallow Grave)

Just because I mumble doesn’t mean I’m crazy. – Amy

I’m so over the relationship, but I still wanna skull f**k her. – Randy

I will have no donkeys trespassing on my green! – Maggie Smith (David Copperfield)

What good is symbolism if you can’t eat it? – Rizzo the Muppet

Have you not air? – Dina

I’m just wondering what else is in sugar. – Lindsay

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men—the other 999 follow women. – Groucho Marx

True leadership is that are of changing a group from what it is to what it ought to be. – Virginia Allen

The lady in question is Charles Busch. - ?

There’s no honor among goats. – Dr. Luehrs

Do you have floss? Cause I’m gonna need floss. – Lindsay

Help! I can’t tell where I am. It’s dark and I can hear laughing. – Taco Bell Hot Sauce

Look at the fancy drink Joshy has. – KJ

Under my glasses I’m drunk. – Lindsay

Whoa, maybe I shouldn’t have had beer at 3 in the afternoon. – Lindsay

I don’t know about the distinct nutty overtones. – Lindsay (Re: Gellas beer sampler.)

I forget the beer. – Lindsay

Sometimes lying is good. Don’t quote me. – Dr. Trout

This anthrax smells like baby powder. – Leah

That’s not attorney general, that’s Batman. He thinks he’s Batman! – Cameron on the radio

Is douchebag one word or two? – KJ

It’s not funny cause I don’t get it. – Lindsay

You’re just a man—no, not even a man. You’re just a professor.
It’s shocking how ignorant a scholar can be outside of his chosen field.
Fools know a great deal which the wise do not.
People don’t want to see real magic. It makes ‘em uncomfortable—starts ‘em wondering what else might be loose in the world.
- The Compleat Werewolf

I have to be honest with you. I can’t love a 4,000 pound cannibal. – Marge Simpson

Gonads are useful for their intended purpose but are no substitute for brains. – Paul Harvey

Thank you for making my shame more festive. – Stan Smith (American Dad)

Just because I want to take his clothes off doesn’t mean I have. – KJ

~The Dr. Singleton Chapter~
· God is like a cosmic muffin.
· Sex outside of marriage is like cannibalism.
· Young people in love, looking to fornicate, would like to have dead parents.
· The man wasn’t wrong, he just had bad manners.
· The beavers don’t talk in Scotland, they’re very surly.
· I’m sleeping with my sister and I can’t tell my gay lover. (Re: The Fall of the House of Usher)
· You wanna take on a drunk with a southern accent?
· You don’t really wanna beat your slaves.
· The snow’s gonna get deep so people quit sinning.

Who entereth herein, a conqueror hath bin; Who slayeth the dragon, the shield shall win. – From The Fall of the House of Usher by Edger Allan Poe

…where like true Englishmen, they built a church that cost no more than 50 pounds, and a tavern that cost 500.
They also made cups from their enemies’ skulls, in which they drank to prosperity to their country and confusion to all their foes.
– William Byrd (The History of the Dividing Line)

Info: P.J. Soles says “totally” 10 times in Halloween. (IMDB says 11, I’ll have to double check.)

There is fucking crumbs in my cosmo. – Lindsay

Why did you have to throw the fucking Captain Crunch!? – Lindsay

I think I’m eating paper. – KJ

Smells like crotch. – Jayne (Firefly)

I really respect your taste in cereal, adult beverages, and animated canines. – Eddie O.

Definition: Laden = emotionally frosted.

I hate school and I want to burn it down, but that’s not really my fault. So…it doesn’t count toward my niceness. – KJ

I don’t wanna see your sac but thanks. – Lindsay

Pants ARE funny. – Dr. Goodlett

When life gives you mustard, wipe it on a cracker. – KJ

Are there golfcarts involved? – Katie

You know, say what you will about America, but 13 bucks still gets you a hell of a lot of mice. – George Michael (Arrested Development)

That’s his pie hole. – Jordan (age 4)

It’s too bad pretty people can’t find good work. – KJ

Why’d you pull a gun on me if you didn’t wanna have sex? – Stan (American Dad)

I find deepness in shallow places. – KJ
There truly is a great depth of shallowness if you just know how to look at it. – JC

That’s not what she said. – Lindsay
That’s ok. That’s what I heard. – Eric

Oh, he’s drunk. I thought he was gay. – Adam Conkey

She sang the wrong words and then I dropped my slipper. – Lindsay

Irish aren’t just Catholics, they’re like Catholics with rabies. – Dr. Singleton

If you’re dead you’re pretty well pacified. – Dr. Singleton

You are strange and off-putting. Go now. – Dracula (Buffy)

Not until Ed powders your ass. – Grandpa

The only difference between a gay man and a straight man is a six-pack. - ?

Bad grammar is a big part of being in the south. – Margaret B.

Some days I’m more engaged [to be married] than others. – Christopher (Comm. Class.)

My kids will be perceptually challenged when it comes to choosing a mate. – Margaret

That’s a razorback coming at you from the grill of a Cadillac. – Margaret

American’s aren’t known for geography. – Margaret

A witty saying proves nothing. – Voltaire

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you command the attention of the world. - ?

Weird love’s better than no love. – Buffy

I have a very good balance of sanity. – KJ

We should ask the German’s about their nuts. – Lindsay

I’m fucking sticky. – Lindsay

I say hit him…with a baseball bat. It has a way of convincing people that they should hold up their end of the bargain. – Topher

Uh oh. Vampire with a gun. – Angelus

I want a Lydia! – Dr. Duffy

Writing keeps me from believing everything I read. – Gloria Steinem

This is not an excuse to ignore me. – Dr. Duffy

I wasn’t in that musical but it doesn’t keep me from singing. – Dr. Duffy

I just wanna shake her…but I don’t. Maybe cause she’s fictional. – Dr. Duffy

I’d kill people to get out of my mother’s house. – Sheena

My brain goo is coming out all artistical there. – Moe (Simpsons)

I do not have puppet cancer! – Angel

I’m too young for you to die! – Tanner

I’m having ENTER problems. – Katie

You know when “it’s fine!” sounds true? When someone yells it and spits! - ?

For a business man time is money, but for an academic or artist, money is time. – Lawrence Rosen

History is the ship carrying living memories to the future. – Sir Stephen Spendor

Time is nature’s way of preventing everything from happening all at once. – Mark Twain

Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow. - ?

On the 8th day God said, Ok Murphy, now it’s your turn. - ?

The moment has no time. – DaVinci

There is more to life than increasing its speed. – Gandhi

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

Time is the product of the experience of changing sensations. – Hume

Life can be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards. – Kierkegaard

Wisdom and generosity are marks of people who are capable of passing beyond time. – Ahmed (Sufi Words of Spiritual Enlightenment)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. – Groucho Marx

I’ve been on a calendar but never on time. – Marilyn Monroe

See, if you can, eternity in the hour that passes. – Arabian Proverb

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit. - ?

Time is the greatest innovation. – Francis Bacon

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind of the present moment. – Buddha

Time passes you say, but no! Alas, time is staying and we pass by. – Dobson A.

It’s been such a bad week that poop is funny? – Mom

We’re not doing shots in the library! – Kindra D.

I love sweaty basketball players! – George Takei

I don’t consider Geometry a part of life. – Shirley Temple (The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer)

I feel like a monkey trying to eat ants. – Adam C.

I wonder what part of your anatomy is the gazoo?
If I had a gazoo and I had money coming out of it I’d say “yeah”. – Adam C.

I’m not popular enough to be different. – Homer

Bart, don’t use the Touch of Death on your sister. – Marge

Please do not offer my god a peanut. – Apu

Are you lighting your arm on fire in the name of science? – CSI:NY

I think we’ve all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically. – Jack Sparrow

You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m on to something. – Jerry Seinfeld

It’s hard to sing and spell at the same time. – KJ

I may be small but I have 3 stomachs. – Katie

A little Goodlett goes a long way. – Dr. Goodlett

Welcome!

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The Book is not family friendly.
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The Book is bizarre and offensive and ridiculous.
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