Quickie Update

You're so much more pleasant when you lack the ability to snap my neck with your thoughts. -Ba'al

You are a social chameleon. -Sheena

British guys always capture my butterflys. -Chris Griffin

I was thinking the other day that if I was a midget, I'd love a netbook. -Dwayne

Oh how posh. Check out my rotten grapes. -KJ

True belief can not be legislated. -Tealc

I'll wait until you stop the car to start smelling your back again. -Deb H.

The flames of ignorance burn without pain. -Ori Prior

House: Do you know why you're black?
Patient: Because God loves me more than you?

My current state of reality has taught me that I know nothing. -KJ

A roadrunner with an accent is just a sheep. -KJ (2am)

Don't tell me ASAP if you don't mean today. -Angela

I know, sometimes I even inspire myself. -Bobby W.

Now I have to go to work where no one is funny or knows how to spell. -KJ

Honolulu does not appreciate a smartass. -Travis

Come here so I can share my opinion with you. -Sherown

There's something very wrong about putting a bear in a microwave. -Judy

You people drink like you don't want to live! -Roy, IT Crowd

God damn these electric sex pants. -Douglas, IT Crowd

Trust the bean. -Karam

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. -Gibran

Exactly. I need gnomes. -Deb

I can't drive upside down. -Ed

Playing catch-up

I would prefer not to hear the life history of my breakfast. -Tuvok

I must say, there's nothing like a vacuum of space for preserving a handsome corpse. -EMH Doc, Voyager

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. - Sparky Anderson

There are no more whales in Montana. -Guy at IHOP

I can eat anything. I'm a viking. -KJ

Get the cheese to sickbay. -Torres, Voyager

An element of disturbia just walked in to my room. -Stasya

It's hard to put a helmet on a flower. -Katie

Don't correct the king's grammar! -Veggie Tales

Pussy bang hoo ha. -Angela

Rectum faced pygmy. -Red Dwarf

How much sex IS there? -Sheena

Orange Julies are better. -Katie
(Feb. 12, 2009)

Drinking makes me vegetarian. -KJ

There better be a flower after all this work. -KJ

Martha Stewart makes alcoholic melonballs all the time. -KJ

The chosen one has fallen and she's gonna get her tail squished. -Katie

God gives good times and bad times, but he does not wish us to bemoan and bewail the bad times, but to prove ourselves men. -Perfume

The persuasive power of an odor cannot be fended off, it enters into us like breathe into our lungs, it fills us up, imbues us totally. There is no remedy for it. -Perfume (p.82)

More from Feb. 13, 2009 (Katie's 21st party)
They're small, they all like cheese, its perfect. -Eric

At least with my hate you get diamonds. -Jarrod

Hold the crown and toss it down. -Katie

If you're hurting on the outside, you're a burn victim. -Adam

Creepy Chums -KJ and Jarrod movie

The list:
Surfer on Acid shot
Caramel Appletini
Partial Cosmo
Girl Scout Cookie shot
Amaretto Sour
Partial Sex on the Beach
Butterscotch schnapps shot

It's terrifying being in Andersonville. -Adam

Cows are sexy. -Ian
Your brother has a thing for cows. -Katie

My brain just did a double take. -Adam

Is it soaking up in your butt? -Katie

Church people are just as gay as regular people. -Adam
*End of Hays birthday trip*

What about your situation is such that the inability to arrange meaningful utterances has you distraught? -Dwayne

I think there was an extended dialogue regarding the woman from whose womb you were spawned in which your weirdness was verified by all. -Dwayne

I love it when I get in to a stud. -Jay

I loves me some redneck vinagrette. -Doug

When you are sick, take care to watch your ands. -Ed

It's hard to pantomime whipped cream when the menu is in the way. -Ed

I'm not a pusher, I'm Charity Joy! -Charity Joy

Don't "dude" me. -Lucretia R.

I wanna tell you somethin'. About the breasts. -Mama Russo

I'm dense and optimistic. -Mom

Did you just say butt-crack? -Mom

I'm a hoooo.... -Grandma

There was a cheese plate!? -Angela

Thank you for correcting my quacking usage. -Sheena

I'm' talking about you, not to you. -Bobby W.

If I wasn't so full I'd take you for a Mexican ice pop. -Lucretia R.

I feel uncomfortable when my computer physically struggles with me. Sure, I can overpower it now, but it feels like a few short steps from here to the robot wars. -XKCD #251

My family is discussing the finer points of pot growing. -Katie

Aww. Aren't you cute. My wife the whore. -Weasel

Hey, I won't hop into just any fat guy's sack... -Brent

You must be drunk if "want" has 4 As. -Weasel

PS. Hitler is not cool. -KJ

You are a disturbed little bastard. -Jay
That is one of the greatest joys in my life. -Mom

Pacino Dove -Ed

Of course, when I say the Prime Minister, I don't mean the real Prime Minister. I just mean that guy out of Buffy. -Little Britain

See. You should jingle the shiek. -Angela

A bashful man will make a sorry beggar. -The Odyssey

Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at? -Lisa Simpson
Well, hookers and Spider-Man. -Homer

Katie's made-up team names:
San Francisco Shields
Pirates of Penzance
Arizona Axis
Green Berets

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. -Dove wrapper

Just because I'm showing somebody being disembowled doesn't mean I have to get heavy and put a message around it. -George Romero

I always thought of the zombies as being about revolution, one generation consuming the rest. -George Romero

Then wench is stark mad or wonderful forward. -Tranio, Taming of the Shrew

There is a lot of stuff I don't know about cheese. -KJ

Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability. -Sam Keen

A ferret with a taser is a poor substitute for the honor system. -Urban Jungle

Your burp looks like my drink. -Angela

I'm a lesbian. I get crazy with my fingers. -Theresa C.

I don't have to be useful, I just have to be present. -KJ

You better stop it or I'll take you to target. -Lucretia R.

If only she were ugly, then everyone would just ignore her like they should. -Lindsay/Weasel

I'm surprised I haven't swallowed this blue slinky on my desk. -Sherown

I'm big on howdy in person. -Dr. Goodlett

Don't laugh at my kohlrabi. -Judy

I am a cougar. -Sister Alice

I need a poop cape. -Mom

My ass smells like fajitas. -Brent

This is the kind of service I'd expect in Australia. -Brent

Thought factory. -Brent

What are you doing? -Dina
Pinching my nipple. - Tanner

Lex Luthor should be Italian.
Superman should be Australian.

You think I'm not fluffy? -Grandma

...but the booze, it whispers to me and corrupts my thoughts. -Sherown

The bee can hear you. -Jalissa

That's not a space. That's a wedge. -Ed

Nothing's better than noodles! -Kristina S.

Well there is just some things you learn as you get older, shooting Nerds out of a straw at random people is one of them. -Sherown

I once had an awkward moment just to see what it feels like. -Sherown

Rick Astley anyone? Oh god it's like I'm at the dentist. -Angela

Have you ever been so drunk that nothing tastes like chicken, even chicken? -Sherown

You can only change baseball so much before it becomes rugby. -Eric

Can you juggle? -Grandma
Only if I'm not wearing a bra. -Aunt Linda

I have to go get my glasses. I can't see what I'm thinking. -Grandma

I don't know what you mean but I know what you mean. -Angela

I've never had gloves I can hear before. -Ed

Life is a series of dogs. -George Carlin

You know you're gay when even your pancakes are rainbows. -Rob H.

I think I was just mistaken for a paralegal. -Katie

A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse. -P.64 of something

There is a fly the size of a small plane in my office right now, the noise of his engines is bothering me. -Mom

Don't snap my undies. -Chief Wiggam

Chickens are drunk enough when they're sober, don't you think? -Ed

Dude, a gas mask can't protect you from a bomb. -Kid at garage sale

Every time you turn a churchkey a hermaphrodite gets its wings. -Jen R.

I'm aware of your bizarre package. -KJ

I don't think ho was one of his miracles. -Ian (re: Jesus)

I appreciate your loyalty ho, and your rhyming abilities. -Sheena

To love a man more than one's self was a socially acceptable way for a woman to be insane. -Mother Tongue, p.27

A lover's a liar,
to himself he lies.
The truthful are loveless,
like oysters their eyes!
-Cat's Cradle, p. 233

If I could have been singing with the Dave Clark Five on the Ed Sullivan Show instead of getting slapped by frustrated lesbians dressed up in religious gear when I was ten, I would have done it in a heartbeat. -Denis Leary, Why We Suck

Asshole after asshole after asshole gets ahold of the microphone and the media's attention in this country and promptly informs the world that we are not a nation of readers. -Denis Leary, Why We Suck

I have no idea what you just said but it didn't sound very nice. -Tucker, Enterprise

Is that garlic in my pocket? -KJ

Peanutbutter and pillows, I know what I'm talking about. -KJ

It's a laptop, not a kitchen top or a piece of shit top. -KJ

I don't think gorillas like meatloaf. -Eddie O.

The worst that can happen is that your heart can stop. -Mom

Without my glasses I can rean in Arabic. -Mom

My butt's jingling your bells. -Grandma

Your family is not good for my stuff. -Somebody

We didn't have tacos! -Olivia

What's with women and boots in this town? -Deb H.

Any games you play with your thumbs, I can not help you with. -Dad

Multiple exclamation points does the exact opposite of motivate me to do something for you. -Travis

Honolulu does not appreciate a smartass. -Travis

Just because my love is conditional doesn't make it any less genuine. -Urban Jungle #692

Kwanzaa is a totally made up holiday...like Festivus. -Amy P.

Great my eye has Tourettes. -Janeth

Your face is as a book, where men may read strange matters. -Macbeth

"Our Super-Vita-Replenishing Goo is the best! I'm sitting in some right now and my tushie feels extra soft and bouncy!" -Deb H.

I can't stop laughing about the heroin. -Angela

I hate noisy stars. -Ed