Some of the classics....ok LOTS of the classics. There's older ones but I haven't found them yet.

My dogs confuse squirrels with terrorists. – Dude on the radio

Glitter looks good on a man. – Chris P.

You know when you’ve drunk? – Some drunk guy to Eric/Zippy

That’s half-assed, it’s not even full-assed. –Eric

Did you have fun at Wal-Mart or did you get loose?....Lost! – Grandma Jessie

Don’t make me laugh when I’m over garlic. – Amy

Dogs and boys, they’re both idiots. – Mom

I get violent when I’m British. – Lindsay

Taffy said ‘cock’! – Lindsay
Yes she did! – Amy & KJ simultaneously

If you love me as I think you do, let’s kiss and part. – Titus (Anthony Hopkins)

If I want fungus, I’ll lick my own toes. – Eathon

I’d rather have juice than eggs in my pants. – KJ

May your troubles be less, and your blessings be more, and nothing but happiness come through your door. – Irish Blessing

Sometimes being a maniac has its advantages. – Mom (While driving over the mountain.)

Ok, laughing is better than being scared. – Mom (Also while driving over the mountain.)

They’re not elves, they’re alcoholic bastards. – Dr. Will

I’m a nice guy! – Lindsay (It helps if you know the “Lindsay” tone.)

My mouth is always full! Always! – Amy (Gutch’s)

I haven’t had any booze in a while and it’s going to my eyeballs. – KJ (Gutch’s)

I swear to god I’m gonna cry. – Dr. Will

Physics is just common sense obscured by mathematics. – Gavin

It’s not lookin’ good, I got the hour glass of death right now. – Gavin

You can’t form your own country. – Amy Cummins

I say that as the sadder, wiser, non-girl that I am. – Dr. Goodlett

I have a cousin who’s a sister. – Eric (Not true.)

It’s one of those non-Russian, Russian places. – Eric

He’s wearing a raincoat, he must be British. – Eric

Listening to him talk about the Russians like that, it’s almost like foreplay. – Amy (Not referring to any of the above quotes.)

I have verbal charm. – KJ

You don’t have to be patient when you’re as big as I am. – Garfield

Why is it that as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? – Ernest Gaines

I can be the Romans! – Amy

I could do this in a gay bar. – Amy

I feel bad…I’m not thoughtful. – Amy

A moment is a symbol, not the end of something. – Amy Cummins

Thank you, Big Bang. – Amy Cummins

Not to spoil it for you but she kills herself in the end. – Amy Cummins

We’re not just regular old mammals. – Amy Cummins

The heating and cooling police will come and get me in a minute. – Gavin

Don’t worry about it dude, I got my torch. – Gavin

Go yell at a piano some time. – Gavin

My cat makes some very bad choices. – Dr. Will

Yeah, from the knee down, I’m hot. – Dr. Will

Eugenics: It’s all about making nicer people. – Dr. Will

I sponge up the Discovery Channel. – Dr. Will

Even prisoners have friends. – Dude in IDS

It’s time to win the love of these hateful morons. – C. Montgomery Burns

I like leather. I rather fancy myself a black panther. – Freddie Mercury

Always a cowboy, never a bride. – Eric? (History Club, not sure who said it first.)

I feel like writing a poem about snowmobiles jumping like bunnies. – Eric (Von Zippy)

The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings. – The Awakening

By the stubbing of my thumbs, something stupid this way comes. – MST3000

It has been a very unstable week for me—I found myself sobbing during an episode of Alf on Monday. – American Psycho (book)

Stoned Vikings would like soft things, surely. – KJ

Marching guys are hot. – Amy

Have you ever smelled a hockey glove? – Jarrod

More Neil, more better. – Eric/Zippy (Neil Diamond, that is.)

I can slither with the best of them. – Dr. Goodlett

Don’t fuck with the opium hut. – Kim

You know it’s Monday when you find sharks circling in your water bowl. – Garfield

You know it’s Monday when you discover a landmine in your breakfast. – Garfield

People are stupid whether it rains or not. – Mom

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. – Deteriorata

Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking to myself. - ?

The Goddess is alive and she ate my homework. - ?

Please don’t squeeze the shaman. - ?

Dial down the Amy. – Webpage thingy

Listen to Queen, drink some rum and life will be better. – Amy

Kathay comes to those who wait. – Webpage thingy

Things rarely move uphill spontaneously. – Gavin

It’s great fun until you puke. – Gavin

I thought it was because of the Russians. – Andrew?

Is your name possibly Swahili for Jackass? – Sean, on Jarrod’s Facebook message board

It’s not about the bike, it about the spandex. – Gavin

I can’t talk to him, his teeth are in my foot! – KJ

I spit on this book. -Amy. C

What is so funny? – Tanner (to Jordan)

I forgot to tell you…because I have the attention span of a Frisbee. – Dude on radio

Rum is good, rum is grand, rum is there to lend a hand.
When you’re heading out at night, order one for great delight.
There are no hot men in view, never fear, for now it’s just you two.
When your insides start to warm, that just means it’s time for more.
- Kim and KJ @ Gella’s

My car doesn’t give a crap about me. – KJ

He’s a left-handed batter, surely he’s a bastard. – Kim

I’m all onioney and I don’t like it, but that doesn’t rhyme. – KJ

I’m turning into an f-ing kite. – Amy

That’s not hunting, that’s just violence! – Dr. Will

Hi, I’m the internet. – Dr. Will

5 out of 4 Americans have trouble with fractions. – Gavin

That son-of-a-bitch told me it was going to be motorcycle weather. – Gavin

I don’t know, I’m not a forecaster. – Gavin (Funnier to those that know about “I don’t know, I’m not a doctor”.)

How sad to be so screwed up. – Ben S.

Anyone who can compare maggots and pearls has something smart. – Amy C.

It tastes like beer. – Tanner (age 6/7)

Who’s more foolish, the fool or the fool that follows him? – Obi-Won Kenobi

I’m naked enough. – KJ

They’re stealing my life while I’m looking at the temperature. – Gavin

He’s darling, even with the insanity. – Kim

I’m not dieing inside anymore, that’s good. – Dr. Will

That’s about as depressing as Canadian history. – Kim P.

It should be beeping in an irritating way right now. – Amy C.

I can’t figure out if you hate me or if you’re the only person who ever really got me... – Something’s Gotta Give

The word “dumb” wouldn’t exist if some people didn’t fall into that category. – Hogwood

This is the dark side of Frost. – Amy C.

All my mistresses were that way. – Dr. Singleton

You men do get in such as state about the midlands, you know. – Judi Dench (Mrs. Henderson Presents)

I’m only one highly gifted person. – CSI dude

I always thought the Irish were the Scots that couldn’t swim. – Craig Ferguson

I don’t talk to myself. I talk to other people. If they don’t show up to listen, that’s not my fault. - ?

Will you hold my salmon? – Amy

My feet are in the air, where’s the floor!? – Amy (At the pool.)

I never really understood hay. – Amy

I’m a grumpy German, I’m not playing. – World Cup TV dude

I’m making out with this bag because it has the cheese. – Lindsay

Deliberate deceit will not be tolerated—although personally I may find your lies charming. – Alan Rickman (Closet Land)

One needs not to scream. – Eric

I know a werewolf I’d do. – Lindsay (Me too.)

Amy got dibs on the cunt cake. – Lindsay

Everyone deserves a biscuit. – Eric

I can’t get this cock-sucker open. – Lindsay
Did you whack it? – Amy

I was British when I woke up from my nap. – Lindsay

There’s nothing more pathetic than a teddy bear with no depth perception. – Garfield

Practical jokes are wasted on the stupid. – Garfield

I don’t really want to put pants on today. – KJ

Weird has been abundant lately, but I’m good. – KJ

I find your lack of faith disturbing. – Darth Vader

It’s not often limo people wave at me. – Grandpa Tom

If I wasn’t a transvestite terrorist, would you marry me? – Breakfast on Pluto

I am pregnant with booze. – Amy

I don’t know where I put my pants. – Amy

Don’t threaten me with a dead fish! – Withnail and I

It would be wonderful if the camera hovered over Magneto’s bed, to discover him making love to Professor X… (…who them morphed into Mystique.) - Ian McKellan

I had my acceptance speech in my pocket, saying how proud I was to be the first openly gay man to win an Oscar. But no, that was the year that Hollywood discovered that there were black people in movies. And I was thinking it was going to be the year of the gays. – Ian McKellan

Nothing says “family” like prison love. – Chris P.

So, tell me about your pie. – Ben S.

Just because you’re a loser doesn’t mean you have to be sarcastic. – Anita (to my father)

The filth helps a lot. – Chris P.

If he had a shirt on, his penis would disappear. – Lindsay

Quit your salivation. – Eric

Should you care to cross over to my side of the table, I would happily give you my opinion. – Eric

Sherbet is better than tacos! – Tanner

Cool! I got monkey toes! – Tanner

You might be a redneck if you have to get your socks out of a bush with a rake. – KJ

If it’s useless there’s a pretty good chance I know it. – Chris P.

We’re not people, we’re family. – KJ

There’s a corn in my eye! – KJ

Do you have a pen I can borrow? I need to poke you in the eye. - ?

Keep being a nerd until you are absolutely sure. – JC

This always happens when I eat sherbet. – Ed

Hard hats don’t just look sexy, they make you feel sexy. – Mary

God is like a cosmic muffin. – Dr. Singleton

I wear man-dresses. – Josh

I had these snazzy pants that I made, on. – Jarrod

All my neighbors have seen me in my underwear, right… - Mary

I drank nothing out of anyone’s pants for my birthday. – KJ

Obviously I’m a cursed pirate. – KJ

Lindsay’s gonna hit Josh. – Lindsay

What were we laughing about? – KJ
My hand was in your pants. – Lindsay

You were laughing in a silent kind of way, and I heard it. – Lindsay

What’s snazzier than cacti? – Lindsay

Took a drink, then in my head thought “Hmm, tastes like Bandaids.” – KJ

There is a sparseness of Ts in pork. – Lindsay

Oh, the Baptists are overflowing. – Judy

You weren’t going for sly, you were going for fry. – Mary

New word: Masculover. – KJ

New nickname: Princess Thunder Piss – Group effort

The learner shall inherit while the learned will be beautifully equipped for a world that no longer exists. - ?

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. – Euripides

Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. – Picasso

To sentence a person of true genius to the drudgery of a school is to put a racehorse on a treadmill. – Charles Caleb Colton

Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. - ?

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – JFK

Intolerance is itself a form of violence and an obstacle to the growth of a true democratic spirit. – Ghandi

Many people cannot bear to think that they are cousins of tapeworms, spiders, and bacteria. The unpalpability of a proposition however, has no bearing on it’s truth. – Richard Dawkins (From Natural History)

I feel a little tipsy…must have been the wine. – Lindsay

I have to take my pants off, they are too snug for this kind of weather. – Lindsay

If you are going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh otherwise they’ll kill you. – George Bernard Shaw

I bought a new knife. It’s so pretty I almost don’t want to shove it into an intruder’s gut, but I will. – Mary

I’m not usually drunk.
But Julia, you’re a doctor, you kill people every day.
Security and insanity are not the same thing.
– Ewan Macgregor (Shallow Grave)

Just because I mumble doesn’t mean I’m crazy. – Amy

I’m so over the relationship, but I still wanna skull f**k her. – Randy

I will have no donkeys trespassing on my green! – Maggie Smith (David Copperfield)

What good is symbolism if you can’t eat it? – Rizzo the Muppet

Have you not air? – Dina

I’m just wondering what else is in sugar. – Lindsay

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men—the other 999 follow women. – Groucho Marx

True leadership is that are of changing a group from what it is to what it ought to be. – Virginia Allen

The lady in question is Charles Busch. - ?

There’s no honor among goats. – Dr. Luehrs

Do you have floss? Cause I’m gonna need floss. – Lindsay

Help! I can’t tell where I am. It’s dark and I can hear laughing. – Taco Bell Hot Sauce

Look at the fancy drink Joshy has. – KJ

Under my glasses I’m drunk. – Lindsay

Whoa, maybe I shouldn’t have had beer at 3 in the afternoon. – Lindsay

I don’t know about the distinct nutty overtones. – Lindsay (Re: Gellas beer sampler.)

I forget the beer. – Lindsay

Sometimes lying is good. Don’t quote me. – Dr. Trout

This anthrax smells like baby powder. – Leah

That’s not attorney general, that’s Batman. He thinks he’s Batman! – Cameron on the radio

Is douchebag one word or two? – KJ

It’s not funny cause I don’t get it. – Lindsay

You’re just a man—no, not even a man. You’re just a professor.
It’s shocking how ignorant a scholar can be outside of his chosen field.
Fools know a great deal which the wise do not.
People don’t want to see real magic. It makes ‘em uncomfortable—starts ‘em wondering what else might be loose in the world.
- The Compleat Werewolf

I have to be honest with you. I can’t love a 4,000 pound cannibal. – Marge Simpson

Gonads are useful for their intended purpose but are no substitute for brains. – Paul Harvey

Thank you for making my shame more festive. – Stan Smith (American Dad)

Just because I want to take his clothes off doesn’t mean I have. – KJ

~The Dr. Singleton Chapter~
· God is like a cosmic muffin.
· Sex outside of marriage is like cannibalism.
· Young people in love, looking to fornicate, would like to have dead parents.
· The man wasn’t wrong, he just had bad manners.
· The beavers don’t talk in Scotland, they’re very surly.
· I’m sleeping with my sister and I can’t tell my gay lover. (Re: The Fall of the House of Usher)
· You wanna take on a drunk with a southern accent?
· You don’t really wanna beat your slaves.
· The snow’s gonna get deep so people quit sinning.

Who entereth herein, a conqueror hath bin; Who slayeth the dragon, the shield shall win. – From The Fall of the House of Usher by Edger Allan Poe

…where like true Englishmen, they built a church that cost no more than 50 pounds, and a tavern that cost 500.
They also made cups from their enemies’ skulls, in which they drank to prosperity to their country and confusion to all their foes.
– William Byrd (The History of the Dividing Line)

Info: P.J. Soles says “totally” 10 times in Halloween. (IMDB says 11, I’ll have to double check.)

There is fucking crumbs in my cosmo. – Lindsay

Why did you have to throw the fucking Captain Crunch!? – Lindsay

I think I’m eating paper. – KJ

Smells like crotch. – Jayne (Firefly)

I really respect your taste in cereal, adult beverages, and animated canines. – Eddie O.

Definition: Laden = emotionally frosted.

I hate school and I want to burn it down, but that’s not really my fault. So…it doesn’t count toward my niceness. – KJ

I don’t wanna see your sac but thanks. – Lindsay

Pants ARE funny. – Dr. Goodlett

When life gives you mustard, wipe it on a cracker. – KJ

Are there golfcarts involved? – Katie

You know, say what you will about America, but 13 bucks still gets you a hell of a lot of mice. – George Michael (Arrested Development)

That’s his pie hole. – Jordan (age 4)

It’s too bad pretty people can’t find good work. – KJ

Why’d you pull a gun on me if you didn’t wanna have sex? – Stan (American Dad)

I find deepness in shallow places. – KJ
There truly is a great depth of shallowness if you just know how to look at it. – JC

That’s not what she said. – Lindsay
That’s ok. That’s what I heard. – Eric

Oh, he’s drunk. I thought he was gay. – Adam Conkey

She sang the wrong words and then I dropped my slipper. – Lindsay

Irish aren’t just Catholics, they’re like Catholics with rabies. – Dr. Singleton

If you’re dead you’re pretty well pacified. – Dr. Singleton

You are strange and off-putting. Go now. – Dracula (Buffy)

Not until Ed powders your ass. – Grandpa

The only difference between a gay man and a straight man is a six-pack. - ?

Bad grammar is a big part of being in the south. – Margaret B.

Some days I’m more engaged [to be married] than others. – Christopher (Comm. Class.)

My kids will be perceptually challenged when it comes to choosing a mate. – Margaret

That’s a razorback coming at you from the grill of a Cadillac. – Margaret

American’s aren’t known for geography. – Margaret

A witty saying proves nothing. – Voltaire

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you command the attention of the world. - ?

Weird love’s better than no love. – Buffy

I have a very good balance of sanity. – KJ

We should ask the German’s about their nuts. – Lindsay

I’m fucking sticky. – Lindsay

I say hit him…with a baseball bat. It has a way of convincing people that they should hold up their end of the bargain. – Topher

Uh oh. Vampire with a gun. – Angelus

I want a Lydia! – Dr. Duffy

Writing keeps me from believing everything I read. – Gloria Steinem

This is not an excuse to ignore me. – Dr. Duffy

I wasn’t in that musical but it doesn’t keep me from singing. – Dr. Duffy

I just wanna shake her…but I don’t. Maybe cause she’s fictional. – Dr. Duffy

I’d kill people to get out of my mother’s house. – Sheena

My brain goo is coming out all artistical there. – Moe (Simpsons)

I do not have puppet cancer! – Angel

I’m too young for you to die! – Tanner

I’m having ENTER problems. – Katie

You know when “it’s fine!” sounds true? When someone yells it and spits! - ?

For a business man time is money, but for an academic or artist, money is time. – Lawrence Rosen

History is the ship carrying living memories to the future. – Sir Stephen Spendor

Time is nature’s way of preventing everything from happening all at once. – Mark Twain

Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow. - ?

On the 8th day God said, Ok Murphy, now it’s your turn. - ?

The moment has no time. – DaVinci

There is more to life than increasing its speed. – Gandhi

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

Time is the product of the experience of changing sensations. – Hume

Life can be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards. – Kierkegaard

Wisdom and generosity are marks of people who are capable of passing beyond time. – Ahmed (Sufi Words of Spiritual Enlightenment)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. – Groucho Marx

I’ve been on a calendar but never on time. – Marilyn Monroe

See, if you can, eternity in the hour that passes. – Arabian Proverb

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit. - ?

Time is the greatest innovation. – Francis Bacon

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind of the present moment. – Buddha

Time passes you say, but no! Alas, time is staying and we pass by. – Dobson A.

It’s been such a bad week that poop is funny? – Mom

We’re not doing shots in the library! – Kindra D.

I love sweaty basketball players! – George Takei

I don’t consider Geometry a part of life. – Shirley Temple (The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer)

I feel like a monkey trying to eat ants. – Adam C.

I wonder what part of your anatomy is the gazoo?
If I had a gazoo and I had money coming out of it I’d say “yeah”. – Adam C.

I’m not popular enough to be different. – Homer

Bart, don’t use the Touch of Death on your sister. – Marge

Please do not offer my god a peanut. – Apu

Are you lighting your arm on fire in the name of science? – CSI:NY

I think we’ve all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically. – Jack Sparrow

You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m on to something. – Jerry Seinfeld

It’s hard to sing and spell at the same time. – KJ

I may be small but I have 3 stomachs. – Katie

A little Goodlett goes a long way. – Dr. Goodlett